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"Dear Death" from Metal Curse #9:

Dear Death:
  I have developed a fetish for fucking bowls of vomit. Is this normal? Do you have any tips/tricks?
-Purging in Pensacola

Dear Purging:
  Pukophilia, or the act of sexual gratification with half-digested food is a practice sadly overlooked by most of modern society. But in today's dangerous world of sexual diseases and AIDS, fucking a bowl of disease-free puke sure beats the dangers of conventional sex and complicated birth control methods. Anyway, the best way for you to find women willing to puke for you would be to either date bulimics, women with morning sickness, or my personal favorite, very drunk women at parties. They'll think you are a kind, sensitive guy for helping her while she vomits, and you can quickly gather your love chunks in a bowl. As always, don't get caught or just say you were using the bowl so the toilet wouldn't get messed up. Good luck.

Dear Death:
  Do you know where I could buy the fresh black meat of an aquatic centipede?
-Interested in Interzone

Dear Interested:
  I don't know, but try switching reading materials before you get drunk, shoot your wife, and start screwing little boys from Morocco. And lay off the bug powder.

Dear Death:
  Why is your column always printed in a giant font, while the rest of Metal Curse is printed in such a tiny font?
-Curious in Cupertino

Dear Curious:
  Choose one of the following:
a) Big font, big ...mind.
b) I get paid by the page.
c) It comes from writing a lot of college papers and cranking the font up to 24 point with 3 inch margins and triple spacing.
d) I'm practically blind from sniffing glue.

Dear Death:
  I like to climb out onto overpasses with my sniper rifle and shoot people at random. However, my girlfriend insists that there are rules of etiquette to this, and that I shouldn't just shoot randomly. Also, do you have any tips for shooting at cars? I have been trying to move the gun with the car and then shoot into the windshield, but this doesn't always work.
-Inaccurately Aiming in Austin

Dear Aiming:
  In Texas, there are very strict rampage shooting laws in place which limit the when and who you can shoot. You'll also have to get a permit. However, the permits are only five bucks, and there is a generous timeframe of when you can legally pick people off from overpasses, book depositories and other areas like grassy knolls. There's even a season extension in November for disgruntled postal workers and ex-Marines. Check the department of human resources to get a license.
  When I'm killing people on the highway, whether it be with a handgun from the driver's seat or from afar with a sniper rifle, I usually go for targets in this order: cops, trucks with flammable contents, foreign motorcycles, Volvo station wagons, and VW busses. After that it's pretty much free game, but remember that if you can take out a big, fast semi it will cause a bigger pileup because it will jackknife and cause a few lanes to pile up.
  As for your shooting, try tracking with the car but aiming a few lengths ahead. And if you have trouble with moving targets, try practicing by going to a local college campus and taking out a few people from a clock tower. It's all the rage down there in Austin, I hear...

Dear Death:
  All of the radio stations around here suck, the coolest station by far is one that plays easy listening from the seventies, and that really sucks. Do you know what my friends and I could do to enjoy new Death Metal on the FM airwaves?
-Tuneless in Tulsa

Dear Tuneless:
  Although I might enjoy listening to "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" and "Piano Man" after I took 14 hits of acid and freebased some Immonium-D tablets, I do agree that your situation warrants some action. Here's what you need to get:
- A 100-CD disc changer
- 100 good quality Death Metal CDs. If you do not have enough, I would either recommend buying them from Cursed Productions, or you could write a bunch of major record labels and tell them you are starting a radio station.
- A Mr. Microphone
- A very large amp
- Someone who knows about electronics
- Several large deep cycle marine batteries
- A car
The rest is simple: Get someone to wire the Mr. Microphone's weak FM transmitter, which usually broadcasts about 20 feet, to the very large amp, using the car as an antenna, so it will broadcast about 20 or 30 miles. Mount the CD changer in the back seat with all the gear in the trunk, tune in the Mr. Microphone, and drive around town as you broadcast the MEAT SHITS, SMELL & QUIM, SKEPTICISM, ADVERSARY, and ROTTING CHRIST over one of the easy listening channels. Of course, if you really try this, the FCC will track you down and do things to you that are too gruesome to mention in a CANNIBAL CORPSE song. So I'd just stick to the Immonium-D and microdots.

Dear Death:
  Why doesn't Metal Curse print reviews with Ten Big Fucking Red Flaming Satanic Anti-God Non-Poseur Skulls after every review?
-Wondering in Wilmington

Dear Wondering:
  Because we print more than ten reviews a magazine. We also didn't have room to print all the skulls if we gave every album a 9 or 10.

Dear Death:
  Do you have a good recipe for all of the miscellaneous severed body parts we have in the fridge?
- Joachim from Germany

Dear Joachim:
  Sorry I got to the letter so late. Here's a favorite meal idea of mine:
Roast Rack of Severed Body Parts
2 racks of severed body parts
3 TB olive oil
salt and pepper
2 TB minced fresh rosemary
3 large cloves of garlic, minced
1/4 cup dry, plain bread crumbs
3 TB. Dijon mustard
  Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Trim most of the excess fat from the body parts. Sprinkle the limbs lightly with some salt and pepper. Mix together the garlic, mustard, olive oil and rosemary and brush this on the top surface of the body parts. Sprinkle with the bread crumbs. Place the severed body parts in a roasting bag. Roast 10 minutes. Reduce the heat to 350 degrees and continue to roast for 20-40 minutes, depending on how you like your bag of body parts. Let the parts stand for 10 minutes before serving. Try a red wine for richer body parts, but go with a white if you're eating arms and legs from children or thinner people. Bon appetit!

  That's all the letters for today. But, I'd like to announce the new Dear Death photo contest. Send a photo of yourself fucking the skull of a dead animal, vomiting from a balcony, doing surgery on yourself, or in any other interesting pose. The most tasteless will win a year's supply of ipecac syrup and we'll publish the photo in Metal Curse 10, due out in January of 2004.
  Until then, fuck yourselves and don't buy American. High unemployment rates lead to high suicide rates.