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"Dear Death" from Metal Curse #11:

Dear Death:
  Hi, I'm having some trouble with my computer. I listen to only brutal and true Black Metal, such as AGARTHI, CRADLE OF FILTH, THY SERPENT, and DISSECTION. I bought a Gravis 3-D Vomitus card from Cursed Productions and the Duke PukeEm extension CD for Duke NukeEm 3D on my PC, and I'm having a lot of trouble getting it installed. None of the puke weapons appear in the game, and every time I get killed, the monitor unit tries to spray vomit, but it just causes a GPF and I have to restart. Any ideas?
- Gaming in Grand Forks

Dear Gaming:
  For our readers unfamiliar with this beautiful peripheral, it's a controller card for the PC that connects to the Vomit Box, a unit that sits behind and on top of your monitor. Software written for the Vomitus card will trigger the Vomit Box, shooting warm, simulated vomit (or REAL vomit if you order it from a vomit distributor or procure your own supply).
  It sounds like you're running Windows NT 3.5.1, which can't properly address the Vomitus card because of some fucked up problems which are all Microsoft's fault. You could try to "upgrade" to NT 4.0 or Windows 95, but it probably won't solve the problem, and it will cause all of your other games and applications to get even more fucked up. Your best bet is to commit suicide, or maybe drive to Redmond, Washington and start killing people driving Miatas or Sport Utility Vehicles who probably work for Microsoft.
  If you do get Duke PukeEm going, here's a secret tip: if you find the strippers and give them a dollar, they will puke on you.

Dear Death:
  Is everyone at Cursed Productions upset about the cancellation of Seinfeld, or are you too busy anally violating 12 year old girls to give a fuck?
- Happy Festivus from Frankfort

P.S. My favorite bands are CARCASS (before they became gay homosexuals), ENTOMBED (before they became gay homosexuals), and NAPALM DEATH (before they became gay homosexuals).

Dear Festivus:
  I don't know if Ray ever watches TV (he probably watches a lot of pay-per-view wrestling and pornography on his illegal cable box), but I've been a regular viewer of Seinfeld for many years. Metal Curse readers might not consider this tasteless, blasphemous behavior, but remember that this was one of the first network shows to deal with vomit, necrophelia, witchcraft, lesbianism, and the New York Yankees. Also, Jerry fucks a hot chick in every episode. And every time they are in his apartment, they show a hidden picture of Superman, which can't be that bad. And I think Kramer's dwarf friend was the same dwarf from Bloodsucking Freaks, minus the afro.

P.S. No Cursed Productions employees anally violate 12 year old girls. Our cutoff is 14, unless they have big tits and fake ID.

Dear Death:
  I play guitar for the Mexican Black / Ambient Metal band TEZCATLIPOCA. My favorite bands include AVE SATANAS, BRUJERIA, METZTLI, SACRIFICIAL INVOCATION, and SANTANA (except the 1983 recording of Havana Moon with Willie fucking Nelson). My band wants to wear corpse paint at gigs, recording sessions, appearances, and when we go into town on Saturdays to fuck sluts. The problem is that we often play ambient shows that last 6 or 8 hours, and our makeup tends to run and smear because of the sweat of our playing. Should we take a break halfway through our set and reapply our makeup, or is there another brand we can use (we have an endorsement with Revlon). Hail Satan!
- Chewie in Calexico

Dear Chewie:
  I think 20/20 or Nightline or one of those news digest shows recently did a program about truth in advertising and women's cosmetics, which would also apply to brutal Black Metal corpse paint. Make sure not to use a moisturizer when applying your base-- I mean, your corpse paint. You might want to shop for higher quality store brand eye makeup. If the clerk gives you a hassle, just politely explain that you're not a gay homosexual for buying women's eye makeup, and I'm sure they'll be glad to help.

Dear Death:
  Since the recent death of the "black pope" and founder of The Church of Satan, Anton LaVey, I've been unsure of who will now take the the throne at the top of The Church. Any ideas or predictions?
- Left Hand Path from Lake Hiawatha

P.S. My favorite bands include DEICIDE (especially the last 3 EPs), INSATANITY, and DARK THRONE (but only their first album).

Dear Lefty:
  I've also been saddened by the death of one of the most influential men of the twentieth century, alongside Hugh Hefner, Charles Bukowski, and the guy who invented lesbian pornography. The official word at this time is that the LaVey family will still cash your checks if you write them, and some interpretations of The Bible make The Church more of a leaderless position.
My guesses: it won't be Marilyn Manson because he's probably into Satan about as much as Alanis Morrisette is into writing her own songs. It won't be Charles Manson, because Pelican Bay State pen won't let him cash checks or leave his cell for more than an hour a day. I'd like to lay a vote on Lemmy from MOTÖRHEAD if it wouldn't interrupt his future touring schedule. Hope this keeps you guessing.

Dear Death:
  I've been following the White House sex scandals on TV. My favorite bands are: G.G. ALLIN, MOD, ANAL CUNT, INVERTED BITCH FISTER, CANNIBAL CORPSE, and MARIAH CAREY (before Music Box). Anyway, is there any danger of an intern sex scandal at Cursed Productions?
- I Executioner in Inglewood

Dear I:
  We once had a scandal when Ray got his arm stuck in a female intern's ass, but luckily I had a 1961 copy of The Department of the Army TM 8-230; Medical Corpsman's Guide to Extrication of Large Objects from the Anal Cavity. (Larry Falli's dad was a field proctologist in the National Guard back in the 60's. He had to remove a foot from someone's ass during the Democratic National Convention riots in Chicago, which influenced his decision to switch from proctology to podiatry)
  Seriously, I don't see many of the interns as Ray keeps them in cages down in his basement, where he feeds them human flesh and plays MOTÖRHEAD and VENOM at 120 decibels 24 hours a day to train them. Look for them the next time ADVERSARY plays live.

  That's all for this issue, but I wanted to announce the winner of the last contest. Nobody submitted a haiku about White Castle, so I chose this haiku from Jack Botos, editor of Portrait of Defiance zine:

CD review: gay,
homosexual band, sounds
like KORN, rating: 1

  Jack used this haiku for 29 of the reviews in issue #6 of his zine. For his efforts, he wins a signed copy of the ADVERSARY CD (minus the keyboard player's signature, for sanitary reasons). Congratulations, Jack!

  For our next contest, we're giving away a free VARATHRON CD to the first person who can write a limerick about the worship of our lord Satan, and the US Post Office. Send in those entries to Ray, and we'll print the winner in Metal Curse #12, due on the stands about 28 years after you read this. Until then, may your white glue cover your stamps evenly.

  (who listens to Bavarian beerhall music and US Army PsyWar CDs of 60s TV theme songs intermixed with Neil Diamond and the sound of cattle being systematically executed.)